I guess it's been ages since my last entry, but I have a little time for a short note. This break I'm taking a tour of the US it seems. I drove down to Raleigh from Buffalo last week, and spent a little time with my mother and my friend Jeremy, before my mom left for South Africa to join my father in spending Christmas with our relatives there, after my grandfather's funeral. I then drove with Jeremy down to Atlanta, and took a flight that day to Houston to spend Christmas with my sister and her in-laws (to whom I am pretty much family too). I'll be going back to Atlanta later today, and then I'll drive up to Philly with Jeremy to spend New Year's there. And the final purpose of all of this is that I will finally see Mariya on the 2nd when she returns from Spain. So, lots of travelling, but the time in Houston has been lovely. My niece is sooo cute. She's a year and a half now, and has a ten word vocabulary. Her favorite word is NO, which she uses very well. We went kite flying and she would run along with us (as best she could), giggling with glee. She is bound to have quite a shock when her next sibling is born (due march sometime) and she is no longer the only grandchild (on either side). Another favorite word of hers is 'sho' meaning shoe, and she always gets people their shoes to put on (whether they want to or not). She also loves her new princess slippers (for Christmas) and even insists on sleeping in them. My sister has her well trained, and she will tell you when she needs to go to the bathroom (either by making a 'pssss' sound or using the sign for 't'). They don't even use diapers anymore, and she usually can hold it until they get her to a toilet.

So two major events in my family could be gleaned from the preceeding paragraph. Firstly, my grandfather died on Dec. 15, after a partial recovery from surgery to remove a large cancerous growth in his colon and liver. Secondly, my sister is having another child, and wow that's cool. My thoughts on the second big event are easier to organize, so I'll start there. I think its really neat to have another niece/nephew, but it seems so sudden. Wow, when they have 'children' and not just 'a baby', they are well on the way to being in what I guess is the middle phase of life, and the fact that my sister is only two years older than me is most scary (I mean when she was my current age she was pregnant with the first child). Soon my niece will be going through events that she will remember, she will be experiencing things I remember experiencing in my own life. Life seems to be moving too quickly. And then on the other end of the scale, how do I deal with my grandfather's death? I know all the good things surrounding this event that make it bearable, but it still makes me think. I know he knew Jesus, and his eternal fate is secure. I also know that dying now saved him a whole lot of pain, and that the family and my grandmother in particular is dealing with it fairly well. I was able to cry over it, but I can't help feeling rather detached over the whole thing sometimes. I think it won't fully hit me until I see my grandmother again, without my grandfather. I wish I could have known him better, I never really got to interact that deeply with him as an adult, and I wish I could have learned more from him. I guess my relationship with my own father has turned into such a fulfilling connection that I imagine I may have had similar with my grandfather, but for distance and time. However, I should be grateful of what I do have, the life and health God has given all of my immediate family, and the ability to know my grandfather at all, something I didn't have with my mother's father. I think the scariest thing is realizing that time progresses forward, and wishing I could stop it to have more opportunity to really know people I love. But I think who we are is who we are becoming, and at the end, a life is all it has become. Just as our eternal state is not hinged on one single action, but a general direction that our lives take, whether submitted to the influence of the Lord, or against that influence. So we cannot truly know someone unless we follow their paths through the progress of time. But I do wish for more time to catch up on the changes that happen in my absence. I guess I am limited in that I can only be in one place at a time, and it is my choice as to who I allow to share in how I am changing in my particular location.

Hmm, I hope this isn't too long or confusing, but seeing as I haven't written in so long, I feel the need to wax eloquent (or maybe just profusely...)

So, this is my first Xanga page. I mainly want to do this so people can keep up with what's going on in my life, and I won't have to worry about whether everyone got my latest email etc. I know lots of people don't do the whole weblog thing, but hey if you have spare time feel free to check out my site and post some comments if you so desire.

The day has been long, I'm on duty this weekend, which means I can't go to church and have to stay in the dorm in case the nothing that ever happens happens. This is perhaps the worst part of the job, 'cause I really need time with the community of God every week. I can feel a noticable difference between the weeks after I've gotten away, and those when I haven't. It is also rather tough to become an integrated part of a community you only see twice a month. At least I can go to the Bible study for twenty-somethings every Wednesday. But in January and February I can't even do that, as I'll be on ski duty (which would be fun, if it weren't taking me away from my spiritual family). So grr, my job is hard. I also really dislike having to teach on Saturdays. Having one full day off every 13 is not my idea of a health system. I know we get the more frequent holidays when the boys go home, but I really think I would now prefer normal weekends and only two weeks of vacation a year. Those Saturdays and Sundays truly add up. So, now I've gotten my whining out, I hope I don't elaborate on this point too much in the future, but it does set the concept for my Sunday.

I've been doing work most of the day, grading papers, preparing for the week, etc. I forced myself not to read The Endless Knot (by Lawhead) until I was finished with my work. I technically set this limit yesterday, but instead of work I watched TV, how typical. I hate how I can so easily waste so much time on meaningless things, and then have so little for what matters. Am I lazy? Yeah, probably. Or maybe laziness is just fear of failure, or fear that what we do doesn't really matter anyway, so why do it. And that's an important question. Is it so vital that I, the unique individual that I am, am here teaching chemistry to dyslexic boys. I feel that so many people could do what I do, so why should I be here. I want to be in a situation where I am uniquely needed, and no one else could fill my shoes. But that's probably the Messiah complex again - I want 'save' people, and be especially needed. To quote Paul, "Wretched man that I am, who will save me from this body of sin and death." (Romans 7:24). Yeah I know, Jesus. But where is he leading me? Does he uniquely want me here? How is he using who he has specifically made in this situation? It is hard to see sometimes, and this is one of those times. Maybe this is for my growth, maybe I'm being taught humility. I did pray for it afterall, a most dangerous request. Be careful what you ask for, He may well give it.

Okay, so I'll end my first post there. I need to call some people and then prep Bible study for Monday (I've started something with some of the faculty here) and Wednesday (I've just started leading that too). When that's done I can finally start my book... if it's not bedtime first.